CHURCH DETOX

My church detox has begun. I left church for the last time yesterday. Or at least the last time for a while. I am going to go through a 12-step program. I need to become clean and non-dependant on my involvement with the church. I have become addicted to church. Addicted to the system, the routine, the fake sense of security and realness/openness. I commit to see this detox through. I have no clue how long it will take, but I do invite you to come along the way. I will need you. I will need people who really care about my success in detoxing from the church. No hidden agendas. I am done with agendas other than becoming clean from the addictiveness of the church.

CHURCH DETOX STEP ONE:
We admitted we were powerless over life within the church--that our lives had become unmanageable.

People have wondered why I have chosen to leave the church instead of trying to change it. Well, change it from the inside. Here is my answer, I have tried and failed. My small voice cannot break the system of the church. I have tried to speak up…nothing. Why? Because people are addicted to the system. As I was leaving the church, I had someone in leadership tell me that I never spoke up and that he always wished I had. To that I have to say, I did speak up, they just didn’t hear me. You can only speak and not be heard so many times. You begin to resent those people. It becomes better to not talk at all. Stop talking. Stop questioning. Stop participating. STOP.

[Incubus : Blood On The Ground]
I don't want to talk to you anymore;
I'm afraid of what I might say.
I bite my tongue everytime you come around,
cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground.

Hand over my heart; I swear I've tried everything in my power.
Two weeks in one hour I slaved, and now I've got nothing to show.
Oh, if only you'd grow taller than a brick wall.

From now on I'm gonna start holding my breath when you come around
and you flex that fake grin, cause something inside me has said more than twice
that breathing less air beats breathing you in!

I don't want to talk to you anymore;
I'm afraid of what I might say.
I bite my tongue everytime you come around,
cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground.

Hand over my mouth; I'm earning the right to my silence.
In quiet, discerning between ego and timing.
Good judgement is once again proving to me
that it's still worth it's weight in gold.

So from now on I'm gonna be so much more wary when you start to speak
and my warm blood starts to boil,
that seeing you is like pulling teeth and hearing you is like
chewing tin foil.

I don't want to talk to you anymore;
I'm afraid of what I might say.
I bite my tongue everytime you come around,
cause blood in my mouth beats blood on the ground.

High fives to better judgement. By saying less, I will gain more.
Low twos to you my fickle friend, who brought the art of silent war.


I am gone. I am done.

My name is Josh, and I am a churchoholic.