Step 5

I am finding out so much about myself lately. I keep questioning everything. I recently figured something out.

I am a believer in a non-believers body. Maybe that is a horrible place to be. But that IS me right now. Maybe I have always been this way. "I do believe, but help me with my unbelief." Maybe I need to "mature" into something more. Sure. I'll take that. But as long as I am not living in the fog that most Christians are living in, I am fine right where I am. Free from a system and trapped in Christ's love. My unbelief only gives way to more questions, more searching, more longing, more need.

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Church Detox Step 5
Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
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This coming week I will admit my wrongs to God and I will to meet with someone to "unload" my wrongs.

Christmas Detox

Why do churches think they are so important that they need to have a service on Christmas morning? Do they not value being with family? Sure they do, right?

But Christ's family, the church is SO important and "holy".

I am so thankful I am out of the church. I am free to say whatever I want to say. Nice. And be with whoever I want to, whenever I want to.

This Christmas, I am spending my morning, afternoon and evening with people who matter ... my family. We will be sharing meals, gifts, life and love. I wish only the best for you and your families.
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Church Detox Step 4
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
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Wow.

A "fearless" inventory of myself? I don't really want this online for the world to know. ......

Damn...

I drink too much.
I don't express love to my wife enough. [4 years as of yesterday]
I have issues with my father.
I can't stand the current state of the church.
I believe people in paid leadership of churches live in a fog and don't really understand the concept of work.
I don't really take care of myself physically.
I sometimes feel alone.
I only want the best for everyone.
I feel like a fuck up ... but I embrace it and love it.
I REALLY do love people.
I am a notorious sinner.
I want the church to wake up and want more than what they are shooting for and grow up.
I believe God loves me but question my salvation at times.
I am a fraud.
I am me ... that is all.

Now the world knows just a splinter of me. I know it looks bad. Yep.

God, I feel even more real.

The Iron Mule

I met with Zeke at the Iron Mule tonight in Lake Forest, CA. I have wanted to go there for years. The Iron Mule is seriously, a door in the corner of a shopping center. Just a door. You enter in and notice everyone is smoking. Rare, being in california. It is against the law, you know.

That is what it is all about. Dirty. Smelly. Real. I feel like we had a real and open conversation. This helps my detox so much.

Zeke,
Thank you for being there. The worst bar in Orange County, the best church I have had in years. I smell so bad from the second hand smoke. Though, I can't wait until we go there again.

Fuck...I love Church Detox.

Detox Continues

If I have learned one thing from being away from the church, it is that I am not alone. So many people have worn my shoes or are in my shoes right now. Though, I am worried for the people not here yet. Everyone will be burnt eventually. Seriously.

People. We need them to survive. But people WILL ultimately fail us.

I have failed so many people.

Detoxing from church has not meant cleansing myself from people. I am detoxing from the system. Though some people have taken my detoxing very personal. I guess it does become personal if you only know and live in the system. The system changes people. I have seen it happen right in front of my eyes. It has ruined good volunteers with paychecks. It has stripped people of their energy for Christ's sake. It has demanded the ridiculous...all because of the system.

People. People are not enough. We do need each other. But we also need much more.

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God,
I really don't understand you. You love me no matter what. It is amazing to know you are with me and for me within this detox. You know I am leaving a system ruined by men. Good men who are too smart for their own good. I seek you. God, you are my focus, my everything. Thank you for my unique life. You have provided a roof over my head, food on the table and an amazing wife. You amaze me everyday. Sorry if I have failed you. But I know you, and only you continue loving beyond circumstance. My life is yours. Take it.

Josh

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Church Detox Step 3
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

One month out of church and I am only at Church Detox Step 3. This is more serious than I thought.

Thoughts On The Emergent

I am sick and tired of the "emergent" movement. They say they are all about conversing about God and life, but they only acknowledge their own conversations. There are steps to having an "emergent" conversation and donations to be made to an "emergent" organization.

"Emergent" as an organization WILL fail. We don't need anyone to tell us we are discontent with the state of the church or that we crave more. We know we want to live life loving God and others.

The "Emergent" is everything we should run from. Organization is something we think we need. I disagree. I think we need less structure and more freedom. We don't need someone telling us to speak freely. Just do it. Converse about life, God ... anything ... Pour into each other. Don't pay anyone to tell you to do that. There is no proven structure for YOUR conversation. Live life. The "Emergent" is only creating a new set of rules and/or limitations.

I DO believe they have the greatest intentions. But I believe the are failing or misrepresenting us greatly.

Emerge we will. Without a title. Without a common voice, except love.

Emerging from what? Demerging...here I come.

Less of me, more of Christ.

GOD

So where do I find Christ? Do I find Christ in the church or outside of it?

Or just maybe, Christ finds me.

I believe Christ has found me scarred and numb. Numb to the touch. Numb to feeling true life. I feel like I have spent too much time trying to find what God wants, that I missed God loving me. I believe the church and its leader's have helped me believe that it is my responsibility to figure out the unseen.

It is impossible. There are no clear answers. Well, not anymore.

God. The church loves to put God in a box. They love to keep him manageable. We make God into a contrast of black and white. Right and wrong. Nothing more. In the end, we limit God.

I crave the mystery of God. I love the unknown. I hope and pray that God is all about love, grace, forgiveness and understanding. If God is all these, I really don't understand Him and He truly is a mystery. God, I am thankful.

I don't want to solve the mystery of God. I want to lay in the mystery of Christ and follow His love and grace.

God help me.