I Walk The Line

I want to say I have been a good man and have lived my life well thus far. Though I know I am broken and flawed.

I am leaning against the wall that has caught up with me in my life. This wall is stopping me from true liberation. Half of me wanting a life within the church and the other half pulling me away. The church. Maybe the church is not my real issue. Maybe the issue is me.

Decisions. Choices. I have lived my life driving behind my own wheel. I have created way too many wrecks. All while wanting the best. I am a wreck.

God save me.
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WALK THE LINE : Johnny Cash

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line
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I walk the line. Watch ... as I walk further.
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Church Detox Step 8
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
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Hopefully my list won't be too long.

I thought it was going to be a normal night

My wife and I went out to one of my favorite places to eat tonight, The Souplantaion. We parked and started to walk towards the restaurant and I complained to my wife saying that this place always reminds me of Saddleback church. I swear every time we are go to souplantation it seems that one of the many church services at Saddleback just got out. The place is always infested with fake christians. Usually I make sure to wear my "religion kills" t-shirt just to piss some people off but I forgot to tonight. Damn.

First, everyone always starts off at the salad bar and I always end up with the guy behind me who likes to have his fucking tray touching mine. It is like he is indirectly letting me know that he can't wait to get a plateful of broccoli and that he is afraid they are going to run out. I get to the register and pay my discounted rate because I am a triple A member. Sweet. Then the wifey and I look for an open table. On the way to find a table, I catch eyes with one of my old high school students I used to work with. "Is that Zack?" It was. Man, I've missed Zack. I always liked Zack. We shared so much in common and he was one of those kids who really just "got it". I mean, all the stupid church stuff. What a good kid. We chatted for about a minute then I was off to get some soup.

My little secret with the soup is to always get the chicken noodle soup and add some green onion. BANG...it kicks it up a notch.

I sat back down with my beautiful wife and started to eat. MMMMMMM....good. Then, being the eves dropper that I am I heard words like ... Lord, Prayer, Small Group, Old Testament, etc.. FUCK. It was two couples, one young couple (early 20s) sitting across from another older couple (early 70s). The older man was quizzing the younger couple. My only thought was that of trying to put new wine into an old wineskin. Hell, I only heard bits and pieces. All I know is that every objection, concern or question the younger couple had was shot down by the older couple. Sad.

Then very loudly, one of the original members of the band The Supertones makes his entrance. Speaking so loudly to get everyone attention. "Hey guy, how are you? It is so great to see you." Nice. But dude, way too loud. Attention whore.

At this point my wife is just smiling at me, knowing quite well what I was thinking. I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM IT! Fake christians or should I call them christians how are fake. I can't explain the scene entirely. You had to be there. It made me kind of sick. Seriously, I did not eat a lot. I was happy to leave.

I got home, cracked open a beer and checked my email. 8 junk emails. 2 that should be junk. 1 very special email. A different high school student emailed me. One that I became close to. Ryan "AKA : 8th grader". Here it is :

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hey josh,
dood i havnt talk 2 u in a while. ive been trying 2 contact u for a while. i miss u man. u were like my role model and my father. but ya. your change your cell #.  heres mine. its still the same. call me some time. ### ### ####.  ow me and my friend started a recording studio. and i think u should meet hims. hes 21 and preaty chill. but ya i miss u man
                                                      your apprentice,
                                                          8th grader
                                                        aka ryan
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What a pick me up.

This evening was weird. It was almost like a punch in the face from the reality of the church. I saw a kid in need of a role model. I witnessed the old church trying to calm and constrain the young church. The "church celebrity" showed up. And I found that one of my youth still wants to live a little more life with me.

The church is flawed. The people are stupid. But I still love them and I hope to show my love once again.